The Cardigan Conundrum
by moonshoespotter n.n
Summary: A short story including: Jim with presents, Angry John and a very confused sniper. Fluffy crack!fic based on a headcanon of mine : T for language and non-graphic sexytimes. Pairings: Mormor and Johnlock
1. Anniversary

"SEBASTIAN!" ... the screeches rang through their shared central London flat all morning until Sebastian finally gave up and emerged from his hiding place (under the stairs) to face his crazed husband. "Seb! There you are. Did you forget what today is?" Sebastian had not forgotten. How could he? Today was their anniversary. Yes. The anniversary of the marriage of the two most dangerous men in Britain. Possibly the world. "No Jim I didn't forget, I just wish you'd stop with all this romantic stuff. I don't think it's us."

"But Sebastiaaan, it's fun to get presents isn't it? I got _you_ something, don't you want it? "

Sebastian hated buying things for Jim. What did you get for the man who had everything? But this year, seeing Jim's enthusiasm, he had gone and picked out a green tie. Westwood, for his favourite suit and he couldn't wait to give it to him to see how it would look with his eyes and to see his face when he got it. Jim so loved presents. And Sebastian was curious as to what Jim would get him.

"Fine James, we'll do presents when I get back, okay?"

"Fiiiiine Sebastiaaaaan. I'll wait to open the tie you got me. I love it by the way." Sebastian sighed deeply: of course he'd know he was James fucking Moriarty. He swung out of the flat and was soon taking another life with the twitch of his finger. The sniper thought about Jim as he was packing away his rifle quickly and flying down the stairs of the building. If he knew what his present was then why was he so impatient to receive it? Surely it wasn't because he wanted to _give _presents; no that couldn't be it. Sebastian wasn't so interesting to watch.

Contrary to Sebastian's thoughts, Jim did want to give Seb his present and to see his face when he got it. So when the sniper finally got behind the front door Jim jumped him, screaming: "PRESENTS PRESENTS PRESENTS!" Ah the consulting 5 year old appears again. Such fun.

"Okay, Okay. James, we'll do them now."

"Okay. Me first!" Jim jumped from foot to foot while Seb collected the present and handed it to him. He watched Jim pull the box apart and discard it while he stared at his husband and the green adornment. Sebastian fidgeted and wondered whether Jim liked it. He could never be sure; the man was just so changeable. Looking up at his lover Jim's face burst into a grin and eyes brimming he flung his arms dramatically around Sebastian's neck and whispered "Seb, I love it. Thank you." Pulling away, Jim turned and retrieved a squishy package. Pushing it into Seb's hands he looked hopeful and something else Seb couldn't quite catch before Jim pushed it away. Seb tore away the James bond wrapping paper to see something maroon. Okay. He held the thing up at arms length; it appeared to be a cardigan. Did Jim think he was getting old? Time for a pipe and slippers perhaps? Instead he looked Jim in the eyes and wrapped his arms around him. "I love it. Thanks Jim."

"Wear it tonight then?"

"Wait, what's tonight?

"WE are going out. To that Taiwanese place you love. I've booked a table. No arguments." Sebastian smiled secretly as Jim flounced off for a shower and to discover that his new tie perfectly matched the green trim on his favourite Westwood. The one without the bloodstained shirt. How he loved that idiot, but why did he get a _cardigan_? That was _weird,_ even for Jim. He shrugged it off and set about choosing a suitable outfit that would go with his cardigan. An hour later Jim and Seb stepped out and hailed a cab to their favourite restaurant. Little did _**Seb **_know, this would be a longer night than he'd anticipated.


	2. Missing

**AN/ here's instalment two hope you like it! **

Meanwhile in 221b an argument was erupting, as usual, due to Sherlock's lack of willingness to answer John's repeated questions. "SHERLOCK. For the last time: have you seen my maroon jumper? I put it in the wash two days ago. C'mon you haven't had a case in ages you must know." John had been running around the flat looking for his favourite jumper for about half an hour now, while Sherlock just sat in his chair, head on his knees 'thinking' he though this was all very silly, all this fuss for a jumper. John had even gone downstairs to ask Mrs. Hudson if she'd seen it. She had not. Damn it John had had enough of Sherlock's silence. Despite the warnings , he really bloody hated it. He walked over and stood directly in front of the consulting detective and said in his best army captain voice. "Sherlock Holmes. Where is my jumper? Tell me. That's an order" This snapped Sherlock out of 'mind palace mode' "An order is it John? In case you hadn't noted, you aren't in the army anymore!"

"For gods sake Sherlock! You know what I'm asking here." Sherlock looked up at John with his blue eyes with innocence "What do you mean John?" That was where John realised that Sherlock _**really**_ didn't understand what he was getting at. "Oh my god you beautiful idiot. What must it be like in your funny little brain?" As Sherlock opened his mouth to answer John cut in "Did you use it in an experiment?" This had happened before with various articles of John's clothing so he was taken aback when Sherlock's eyes turned dark and his features rearranged themselves from confused to downright outraged. "How dare you John! I didn't I would never... you said you would leave me if I ever did that again!" John held no truck with this, however. They both knew Sherlock's acting skills; and the doctor turned away with a smirk. "Okay Sherlock. Anytime you want to return it or admit to having damaged it that's fine with me. I'd just rather it was sooner rather than later." Sherlock heaved his bones from the couch and followed his: boyfriend?, Partner? ,Lover? Into the kitchen and stood over him as he placed two linen wrapped tea leaves into separate striped mugs "Tea?"

"Obviously. " The consulting detective fluttered his hands over his doctor's hips from behind and hesitantly bowed his head to place a kiss on the warm skin of his neck. "Jooohn, I haven't stolen the cardigan this time. I swear it. I'm doing experiments into intoxication levels you know that. Why would I require your cardigan?" John closed his hands over Sherlock's and placed them firmly by his sides and turned to face the Consulting Detective. "I don't know Sherlock, why did you need it the last two times you destroyed my clothes?"

"Oh destroyed is it now?" Sherlock finally raising his voice to match John's; he was angry now. " !" Sherlock called as their landlady came tottering up the stairs

"woo hoo, you boys having another domestic again?"

"Will you please tell John that I haven't taken his jumper!"

"Well I don't know that you haven't dear, I didn't see it in the washing yesterday." Looking from John to Mrs. Hudson , Sherlock realized that he was cornered. There was no way either of them was going to believe him. Sighing deeply he slumped onto the couch and sulked. "Now now, don't worry, it'll turn up. Don't fight for too long. Maybe you'll get a nice murder, that's what you two boys need."

"Thanks Mrs. Hudson, sorry to bother you."

"No problem dear" she took herself back downstairs patting John's shoulder sympathetically as she went. Still royally pissed off John slumped back into his squishy chair and hugged the pillow Harry had got him last Christmas while sipping his tea angrily. Giving off an aura of rage, as he did when displeased. "There is no evidence John..." Sherlock started

"Just leave it Sherlock, it's all fine." John interrupted curtly, not making eye contact with his partner.


	3. Dinner?

**AN/ Thankyou for the lovely reviews you guys are awesome! This isn't an entirely interesting chapter but it's important for the story, also insecure!Sherlock my favourite. I shall try to update ASAP so we can get on with it. **

**-AA**

Jim sauntered out of their flat sporting his new tie, pulling his husband by the hand. He practically skipped down the street to their restaurant like a child. "Seb, it's going to be so much fun, it'll be perfect y'know. What are you gonna have? I'm going to have the Grass Jelly. What are you going to have?"

"James you can't have dessert for dinner I told you that yesterday."

"Seb I can do what I want. It's our anniversary. We can do whateeeever we want," He ran up to a spinning jump, making Sebastian stagger after him.

After they'd finished eating (Jim had his desert first) he ordered a ridiculously priced, even for them, bottle of champagne. He insisted on after dinner mints, coffee and playing an endless game of footsie under the table to which their waiter was painfully privy. Sebastian's slightly tipsy mind ordered him to ask Jim what the present was all about and, not being one to ignore an order, he did. "Hey Jim, why did you give me this?" he asked, gesturing toward the maroon cardigan.

"Why baby, don't you like it?" James replied with a sly smile "I think it makes you look veeery sophisticated.

"But, why? Are you trying to tell me I'm getting old? And why are you keeping us here , normally you can't get me back to the flat fast enough " Jim threw his head back and laughed, this was why he loved Sebastian. He questioned Jim's actions rather than doing his will like the other henchmen, lambs to the slaughter. This was why Seb was Col. Sebastian Moran-Moriarty.

"No no sweetie, you'll find out soon enough." He assured. Sebastian sat back, bemused, as always. Living with Jim was certainly never boring.

-sjjs-

After the entire day of silence from Sherlock (something John never could stand, despite the warning) John decided to give up. After all there was no evidence that Sherlock had used his favourite cardigan in an experiment, the last two times he had found singed or slashed scraps of the material on the kitchen table.

John looked at where Sherlock had been sulking all day and sighing deeply he shut his laptop before walking over to perch on the arm of the sofa. Running his hands through the man's soft curls he started "Sherlock, I'm sorry. I know there's no evidence that you took my cardigan. I shouldn't have accused you of taking it okay?" no reply. "Sherlock. You're being childish now I'm saying sorry." The consulting detective turned his face up toward John's and he was shocked to see tear tracks down his face. "I thought you'd leave John. You said last time that you'd leave if I ever did it again and you seemed pretty convinced and I know how you hate it when I deduce things not to do with cases and I really didn't take it this time John I swear."

"Sherlock shhh, calm down I believe you, I'm sorry." He leaned down to kiss his flatmate "I'm never leaving you. Ever. Okay?"

"Okay" Sherlock sniffed.

"Right. Okay. Dinner?"

"I'm not hungry" Sherlock sighed.

"Neither am I." John replied with a wry smile and winked as he pulled Sherlock's coat over his shoulders in a rare display of dominance. "Angelos? I'll even let him leave the candle. More romantic apparently."


	4. The married ones

"C'mon James, I want to go home now." Jim looked _really_ good in that suit and Sebastian needed to get him back to the flat. "Fiiine Sebby we'll goo..." He checked his Rolex and held his hand for 5 seconds "Now." A little confused, Sebastian took Jim by the arm and led him out of their restaurant without paying the bill because, please, they were the Moran-Moriartys. The sniper had to resist kicking off at an older couple as they walked out hand in hand who were staring shamelessly at them with undisguised hostility. He fucking hated people like that; people who just couldn't get over it. He gave them a chilling glare as he let himself be led out by his husband onto the amber lit street. "I'll call the car round."

"No Jim, leave it, I fancy a walk." Seb stopped him and they strolled toward their flat with Sebastian's arm draping James' shoulders

John and Sherlock were greeted by the usual exclamations at Anglo's and enjoyed a meal ,well, John did, coaxing Sherlock to consume at least half a meal, an achievement for him. "Sherlock. Eat something please or else you'll be a bag of bones."

"A medical term for malnutrition? And I thought you liked my physique?" Sherlock replied, winking at John.

"You and those bloody cheekbones, honestly they'll be the death of me. And you if you don't eat!" Sherlock flicked his finger through the open flame of the candle Angelo had left on the table and looked up through his eyelashes at John. "I don't ever want to be without you John, do you know that? Three years apart was enough for a lifetime. I'll moderate my behaviour so you are never dissatisfied just promise you won't leave."

"Sherlock, you know I will never leave you! But good god, never change how you act, please. You wouldn't be you otherwise." They shared a secret kiss which Angelo saw, peeking through to kitchen door, he _knew_ it. They were interrupted by John's ringtone and Mycroft – asking them to take on a case.

"No. Tell him we won't, we are on a date."

"Sherlock, you promised you'd try harder with Mycroft, this would really help him out. Also I'd be _really_ grateful."

"Fine. But only for you, and we won't rush, if he wants me he'll have to wait."

"Thankyou Sherlock." John sighed in relief, trailing fingertips up the man's thigh making him hold back a moan. "Come along Captain Watson, back to base immediately" John sprang to his feet and, giving a salute, turned and strode out of the door with his arm around Sherlock's waist.

Strolling down Oxford st. Jim and Sebastian turned into Orchard st. Where Jim tensed perceptibly and peered down the street as if looking for someone. Seb looked toward where Jim was focusing and saw a couple turning into Baker Street from what looked like Paddington st. he couldn't be sure from this distance. They were a tall man sporting a long coat walking next to a shorter man with a walk that Sebastian recognised immediately. "Jim..." he warned "Be nice."

"I don't know what you're talking about Sebby darling."

As Sherlock and John continued on toward 221b, hand in hand, they spied the distinctive figures of the two most dangerous men in London. John's hand slipped to his waist and the l9a1 army issue handgun concealed there. "John, don't."

"Sherlock! You know who this is right? You do remember what he did to us – to you?"

"Yes of course John, but I think if he wanted to hurt us here and now we'd know about it don't you?"

"Okay, we'll just see what he wants, but don't do anything stupid okay?"

"I don't know what you're talking about John dear."

Walking up to the other couple, each genius was one step ahead of their respective partners who were lurking slightly behind fingering guns eagerly in anticipation of conflict. The consultants were visibly excited to abate their boredom.

"Ah, boys! Lovely to see you again after so long! How long has it been? Three years? Hallo John!"

"What are you doing here Jim?" The army doctor growled. James merely laughed, tossing his head to the sky and replied "I'm just going home." Gesturing to the flat next to them. "What the hell, here? 222?"

"Yes we live at 222a, it's adorable isn't it Sebbie? We have a lovely housekeeper, Mrs. Turner. We were going to move to 221c there but the housekeeper there was a nosy little bitch." Enraged at Jim's words, John threw himself forward at the consulting criminal while Sherlock drew the browning and pointed it squarely at James. "She's our landlady you mother-" but the army doctor was cut short by Sebastian's strong arm flung across Jim's chest protecting him. "Now now boys, all we want to do is talk, can't we be a little civilized?" However, John was now staring at Sebastian, who had now stepped closer to James, into the light. John moved toward Sebastian until they were facing each other squarely.

"Is that my...that's my...that's my cardigan! Why do you have my... MY BLOODY CARDIGAN? Sherlock..." John's face was red as he turned to look expectantly at his flatmate as if to say 'Do something' "I want it back. Now." But by now Seb was staring at Jim with murderous intent. "So my present. My FUCKING anniversary present was just a way to piss off your latest obsession? Real good James, not dickish AT ALL. He was gripping James' arm slightly too hard and twisted it as he turned to look at John who was still insisting that Sebastian was to give his cardigan back. "No, I won't, it was a present from my husband." John opened his mouth to protest but Sherlock interrupted "It's fine James, we don't require it back." He said, smirking slightly. "I'm sure you need it more than John here." Now it was John's turn to look murderously at his lover "What the fuck Sherlock."


	5. Marriage

**Before you come at me with machete's I'm SO SORRY this is late. I have no excuses except laziness and business SO I WORTE YOU SOME ANGRY SEB AS A SORRY PRESENT FOLLOWED BY FLUFFTIMES. So yeah. I may write the scene after the end of this with some smut, so please tell me if that's what you wanna see next chapter in reviews or shall I just move on? Hope you enjoy this! – AA**

"Right, that's it." Locking eyes with John; the sniper and his counterpart shared a moment of agreement "Come on Jim."

"Sherlock, home. Now."

"Sebastian! What are..."

"But Joooohn..."

The Geniuses were ushered/dragged to their respective homes by their furious better halves.

Sebastian threw Jim through the door to their flat. "You bastard, Jim! I mean I know you're 'heartless' and all but I thought you actually cared about me. Was I horribly wrong? Am I just as disposable as everyone else? 'Cause tell me if I am James. You owe me that." The consulting criminal just sat on their fluffy white couch and stared at Sebastian; indecision in his eyes. The sniper turned to leave and muttered "I just want to know why. Then I'll leave. Sorry for thinking I was different Boss." James Moriarty leaped up and grabbed Sebastian by the wrist this time, his brown eyes full of tears. "I try so hard 'bastian. But I can never be as good as him." Sebastian had never seen his husband cry while totally sober and clean so was taken aback and replied, softer this time, but not without heat "Who's he?"

"Sherlock."

"I don't see how any of this has to do with him James?"

"Watching them in 221b showed me how much Sherlock loves John, almost as much as I love you Seb. But the difference is that Sherlock knows how to be a good boyfriend. He gives John presents that he loves and John acts like they're perfect and looks at Sherlock like he's never gonna leave him Sebby. And I wanted to do that for you. But I don't know how to give you the perfect present, and you seen to respect John so much, so I just thought I'd give you the something John had and we could be like them. And you'd never leave..."

Sebastian just stared at his husband for a while then eventually opened his mouth and replied "James, I love **you**. I don't love the presents you buy me. I don't need to look at you like that Jim 'cause you know what these mean?" He asked, taking his and Jim's hands showing them the wedding bands. "These mean that I will never leave. I will always love you for **you** not for you being more like Sherlock. God no. Never be Sherlock."

James sighed cathartically and he opened his arms up to Sebastian, who picked him up. When James was in his arms he sighed and wondered why on earth the world thought him the most dangerous man in London/the world when all he was really was a small frightened boy with no idea how special he was. Jim grinned and leant back to stare at Seb. "Hey Sebbie, remember our wedding night?"

"Obviously." Sebastian grinned back at the memory.

"Want to recreate it?"

"Oh God Yes." And Seb carried Jim – bridal style- into their bedroom.


	6. Back to Baker Street

**Hey, sorry this was so late but I've been losing interest in this story so I've decided not to carry on with the bigger story I had planned. There might be an epilogue to this chapter but none after that. Thanks to the people who followed and reviewed you are all lovely. Kisses - AA**

Slamming the door of 221b John was sporting his 'Captain Watson' look and not in the way Sherlock liked either. "John, I don't know why."

"Why I'm angry Sherlock?" John was sitting with his back to Sherlock just staring at his hands. "I'll buy you a new one."

"It's not about the cardigan Sherlock." His voice dangerously low and in the silence his anger was palpable. "Then..." John swivelled sharply to fix Sherlock with a look that made him actually frightened for his life.

"The point is, Sherlock, that you absolutely cannot condone that man being in our flat. This is _our_ flat and not to mention important stuff he might have taken, he could have put stuff in here. God, he could have poisoned us both or put cameras in here, it's bad enough that Mycroft has those. I shudder to think what his sick mind could do. I know you have a flagrant disregard for your own safety but would you please think of Mrs. Hudson for gods' sake." Sherlock ran a hand through his hair and sighed; looking at John he noticed that the man's expression was a bit scared. "John, he didn't take anything, its okay." The consulting detective soothed, rubbing John's back. "It's like you don't even care Sherlock."

"John it's just a flat, even if he takes stuff. _It's just stuff._ "

"What about me Sherlock?"

"What about you?"

"I know it's silly but it's like you wouldn't care if Jim took me."

"Oh John why do you think I took the browning to the pool? To prevent that from ever happening. I'm never going to let Jim lay a hand on you."

"But then why.."

"Why did I let his take the cardigan? The truth is that the reason was because that cardigan was a present from Sarah last Christmas. Where it's from and the wear on the elbows told me that." He included for John who was looking confused. "I don't like it when you wear it because it reminds me of Sarah and so it must remind you of Sarah so logic dictates that if you still wear it then you like being reminded of her so that led me to the conclusion that you still have feelings for her and therefore not me..." John's expression turned from one of confusion to amused as he took Sherlock's face in his hands "you idiot. I wear that cardigan, or used to, because it's warm and if you hadn't noticed i don't have a cuddly coat like yours so I have layers. That's the only reason. To be honest I'd forgotten where it was from." Sherlock's face softened at this and the pair just sat there for a minute, glad the argument was over. After a while Sherlock stood up, "Tea?" But John, having noticed a disturbing, regular banging noise of what he could only guess was a headboard hitting a wall, had other ideas. Slipping off the couch he ran his hands over his lover's taut stomach. "How about we give the married ones a run for their money?"


End file.
